UselessBrainWaves

one by one, in a swift motion, leaves from that tree fall to the ground. as soon as they reach the bottom, the pool of water serves as a nest and lets them float adrift. then, as the rain poured, they drown in despair, down there, to rot in silence.

i watched as i stepped out of that house, the first few ones to leave. one last look before i board on my plane. this wasn’t the house i grew up in. this was a tall house, yes, one that could catch a passer’s-by eyes but not mine. this of course is our house - one being paid of monthly amortization - a newly constructed building, but not close to a home. home is where your heart is, a cliche we always hear. but this house was never my home, my heart was never here. all memories shattered as each block of cement was broken down of our true home. it has been more than a year since i bid farewell to that one-storey home i shared my childhood with. no prejudices to this new one but the old seemed to hug and fit me perfectly well. and yet though i see this as nothing but a constructed place for shelter, i still crumble to the thought of leaving it.

it had been a blast - passing the boards, getting a job, my brother getting married - all in one week. hard enough to absorb one event in a month but that had to happen in the consecutive 7 days of my life. i am grateful and blessed to have those events happen to me and my family. yet, i am here, quite unhappy, searching for a purpose, a sign, a glowing neon light to lead me where i am exactly going. i have treaded a path i always thought i wanted but ended up losing a part of me. i wanted to be another person but here i am, living a life that is controlled by the happiness of other people. i am happy, don’t get me wrong. my entire family was happy when God blessed me that three last letters to add to my long enough name - C.P.A. wouldn’t have meant anything for me except my family’s joy and pride. yes, for once in my life, my dad was so proud of me. my aunts and uncles on both sides, all proud of me and the success i had been opportuned to achieve. but why do i feel like i have not reached ‘my success’? i guess, it’s hard to control life. it’s hard to make your own plans when you know you always submit to One Mighty Planner. He’s got my life planned out, i guess. He knows which path i should be choosing, what road i’m supposed to travel, the turns of left and right, and all the roadblocks and detours. He knows it all but i don’t. i never will know it until i have lived my life.

one last look at our house. a few steps away and its roof is all i could see. could this be a detour or the right path? no more headlights to tell me to stop. i walk this step and there will be no turning back without putting up a good fight. i’ll have my emotions tied up in the back of the toilet tank. let’s keep it there for a while. this is life for me. but i hope i don’t get consumed by it. i should always have the upper hand, always keep track of my soul, of my heart and my faith. this whole world could go ‘off’ but my God will always have that light shining on me. who knows, he might be holding that neon light after all, i’m just blinded by the lights of this world to see it.

and the branches felt so naked as it bowed bare along with the air that blew past it. the fall might have took its course for the season but as the sun would take over, life would emanate from those bare hands, to replace what had been lost.

Goodbye Tacloban. for now.